I Seriously Considered....

I seriously considered giving up blogging.

When I started this blog in June, life was good. Things were going so well for us. I had lots of witty and optimistic things to say. Now life sort of stinks, and I don't feel like sharing. So, I wondered, "Should I just bag the blog altogether?" I had this meltdown yesterday... and the day before... and sort of this morning, too. But tonight, I'm feeling okay, so I'll dump on you all some more.

We are definitely moving. On Monday. No, our house did not sell. We're just leaving it empty, paying the mortgage (GULP) and moving.

Last Wednesday, Nathan received a job offer. It was the first, but also a very good offer. He told them he wanted to think about it. That was the big sigh. Okay, we will have a job again. It will be soon, but wait.... is this the right offer? We thought and waited and prayed and hoped. On Sunday we fasted. We had to give them an answer by Monday. Every time I'd try to figure out the dollars and cents of this move and the new job and a mortgage plus rent, I got so stressed that I'd start to cry. Then, I'd pray about it and ask if it was the right choice, and I'd have peace. Finally, on Sunday Nathan and I decided that we would take the offer.

His former employer had called back on New Years Day and said that they would like to have Nathan back, but they weren't in the financial circumstance to rehire him. If they got more money, he'd be the first guy they hired. We held out hope, but they didn't call before our deadline, so we knew it was time to stop hoping and move on. He's been out of work for almost six weeks. We need a job.

On Monday we went to the new state and began looking for a house to rent. I was so overwhelmed by the city. I've lived in small towns too long. The entire time we were there, I was weepy. Nathan looked at me and said, "You have got to pull yourself together." I KNOW! What was with me? I was just so freaked out by the fact that my kids are going to be just another chair in a classroom instead of really mattering to their teachers. That they're going to have to learn to never leave their bikes out or they'll be stolen. That they can never take their favorite toy to school, or it won't be coming home again. This is stuff we haven't had to deal with in our little haven town. My boys' teachers actually got tears in their eyes when I told them we were leaving. People here love us like we've never been loved before. I hate to give it up. I don't know why this is the course that the Lord set us on, but we'll go where we have to go.

So, this week we're packing. On Monday, Nathan is scheduled to pick up the Uhaul. By Tuesday afternoon, we'll be gone. Wednesday morning, we'll be unpacking in our new home.

The thing is, I should be excited about all this. There are some great benefits to this move:
1. A temple only minutes away
2. A lot more LDS kids for my kids to be friends with
3. A steady job that is NOT in a mine
4. A house that is across the street from the school-- I will be able to look out the living room window and watch the kids come out of the school building.
5. No more driving 80 miles to go grocery shopping.
6. A ward big enough that you'll only be asked to speak every other year or so. ;)
7. I'll actually get to see my husband everyday.
8. More mountain biking than Nathan could dream of
9. We won't have to plan a family vacation because there's enough to do without going anywhere.
10. Really good benefits, and great hospitals close by

See, this should be a good thing for us. It's just that this farm girl likes open spaces and neighbors who actually know her name. Maybe someday we'll have that again. But seriously, I'm such a hermit most of the time I had to ask myself why I care if I have friends there. I don't do stuff with my friends now. I can still call Michelle everyday if I want, just like I still call my mom and my sister almost everyday now. So, here we go-- a new city, a new ward, a house that isn't as nice as the one we have now. It will be all right. I haven't cried in hours. Maybe tomorrow I won't cry at all.