My Life as a Circle

Anyone else feel like their lives are circular? I feel like I'm always moving. I should be going forward, but somehow I end up back where I started. I begin to wonder why I moved at all, except then I realize that I've changed since the last time I was here, and maybe next time around, it will be a new and improved circle.

Our family may be headed for change again. Nathan hasn't made a decision yet. I'll keep you all posted. This time, I'm not stressed out about change. I'm very calm--nervous, but completely okay. Maybe that's a good sign.

The End (again)

It's DONE!!! Finally! I finished my revision. The new ending added a full hundred and fifty pages to the book, pushing it up to 476 pages total. Yikes! I hope this won't be a problem later, but I'm so glad that I rewrote it. I still have some things that need to be done. The chapters are all messed up, and I have to fix a few minor details that I changed along the way, but essentially, it's all there. I was able to preserve the things I liked best about the other ending while adding a completely new final chapter.

I can't wait to see what my "readers" think of the new ending. So, Esther, Aimee, Mama Echo, and Mom, set aside some time, because I'm hoping you'll give me some feedback once again.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I'm so close to the end of this revision. I want to finish it so badly, and I'm having a hard time not becoming a total hermit. I have done zero housework or laundry today. I am currently sitting in my unmade bed. Nathan was ransacking the house this morning looking for clean work clothes... and didn't find them. (Okay, that I will have to take care of today.) I know I'm being selfish, but I keep stealing a few minutes here and a few minutes there to try to carve out a happy ending that is the same and also different from the happy ending I wrote last time. I'm looking forward to sending this manuscript out again. I like it better, and I hope it will win over an agent this time.

So, pretend not to notice the complete disarray of the living room, the piles of laundry and the cranky toddler. Mom will be back soon.

I promised Mazie a trip to the park today as soon as the boys get home from school. If Josie wasn't so small, I would seriously consider sitting in my car with my laptop, but alas, I have to watch her more carefully than that.

My in-laws left for home this morning. They watched our kids last night so we could go to the temple. I was so happy to finally have the opportunity to go with my sweet husband to the House of the Lord. I came home feeling renewed. This morning, Veral gave Nathan a beautiful father's blessing. I'm feeling very grateful today for our families. They have seen us through so much, and now is no different. We feel tried, it's true, but we also feel loved.

The AWAL 5-Year-old

I am the meanest mom in the whole world. Just ask my five-year-old. We've had a hard time adjusting to this neighborhood. We have fabulous neighbors. The problem is that the ward basically lives on three streets, and about every other house has children. We came from a neighborhood of retired people and one friend two houses down.

The problem is that I can never find my five-year-old. She will say she's going to one person's house, but if she gets there and they aren't home or that girl wants to play with someone else, they take off and go to another house. I spend every afternoon circling the block looking for Mazie. Yesterday we found her in our next door neighbors' house. I don't even know their names.

We all try to teach our kids about stranger-danger, but I've tried hard not to freak my kids out too much. With this girl, I can't seem to get the point through. I find her hanging out with the crossing guard & talking to everyone that I don't know. I worry about her. She's so independent, and she simply cannot see why I get so upset with her. She thinks by keeping her home, I'm just being mean. I've had to ground her to the house because once she steps foot outside, she's gone. I don't know what to do about this.

I remember when we first moved to Big Timber, Dylan was five. There were a whole bunch of neighborhood kids about a block away. They would all gather at this dirt mound at the end of the street. The problem was that there was a ditch and an abandoned house on the other side. Eventually, the boys would get curious and they'd start jumping the ditch and exploring the outbuildings. I adamantly forbade Dylan from going down there. Worse, he would take then three-year-old Ethan with him. But sure enough about every other afternoon, I'd think my boys were quietly playing on the sidewalk, and then I'd go out to check on them and they were gone. Inevitably, I'd find them at the dirt pile. How did we solve the problem? Eventually, we moved to that neighborhood with all the retired people. There my kids never wandered off, because there was no temptation. Now I'm back to the same problem. My boys are better. They tell me one place they are going, and they go there, or they come back and tell me they are going somewhere else. Only Mazie is the problem.

I'll keep harping on her, and hopefully, eventually she will figure out the boundaries.

I Have to Wonder

You know how when people want to inspire you, and they tell you about now-famous people who failed over and over before finding success? They use Henry Ford as example because his first two car companies failed, but the third is well, an American icon. They paint a picture that perseverance is really the most important key to success. This is especially true among writers.

Laurie Halse Anderson, the author of Speak, a Printz Award Honor Book, tried unsuccessfully for eight years to be published. When I started out, that seemed like a really long time. I'll be hitting that milestone soon enough, although I've mostly spent the past eight years writing and sending out a few queries here and there. When I receive enough rejections on a work, I move on to writing something else. That's how I've amassed five shelved manuscripts in addition to the one I'm currently revising.

I've always believed that perseverance is key to success. However, a part of me wonders, "Do you simply lack the talent?" Near success seems like the story of my life. I was always the finalist who never wore the crown. Made the first cut for WSU's cheer squad, but didn't make the team. I've always been good, but never good enough.

And I've wondered (and hoped and prayed) that this pattern isn't going to continue eternally. Because so far, time and again, my best wasn't good enough. When it matters most of all, I really don't want to fail.

Sorry, this post was supposed to be about writing, not my eternal destination, but the same feelings apply. Just how far will perseverance get me? Will there come a day when I finally realized, I simply don't have the talent? The world has J.K. Rowling and Stephenie Meyer. It doesn't need me.

I recently sent my mom 200 pages of my revision. The book is pushing over 400 total, by far the longest work I've written, and also the best. She's pushing hard for me to finish and try to publish it. She reads a lot. She loves this story, and she thinks it's really good. But, she's my mom. (She has to love me.) And there's still that nagging part of me that gives way to doubt some days.

Some people stumble into success. Others pine for it without every grasping it. Days like today, I sit here and wonder, Where in this spectrum do I fall? Will my very best still not be good enough?

Re-emerging

I doing my best to stay present in the real world, but a fictional one has been occupying most of my mental energy. I've undertaken a major revision of my novel-- maybe not even a revision so much as a complete rewrite of the ending. I've added about eighty pages to the ending and changed some of what was already there. And, I'm still not finished. I start feeling guilty when I spend too much time in my head and not enough time "mentally present" for my family.

To make things worse, Nathan and I are both sick. Actually, being sick has helped me to see a huge blessing that we enjoyed recently. You may remember that in November and early December I had a terrible sinus infection, followed by an allergic reaction to the medication, followed by yet another sinus infection. I ended up going to the doctor four times and filling about five prescriptions. Right around that time Ethan was bitten by the dog, and he went to the doctor four times, had stitches and surgery.

Then in December Nathan lost his job. On December 31, our benefits ended, and of course, we couldn't afford the COBRA. When he found his new job, he wasn't eligible for benefits until he'd been there 30 days, and then they didn't start until the first of the following month. From January 1st to April 1st we didn't have health insurance. In that time, no one in my family got sick-- not even a cold, and no one got hurt. As soon as the benefits kicked in, it seemed like everyone came down with this sinus thing. Nathan is never sick, but he has it, too. It is probably the stress and the fact that he isn't sleeping well that has contributed to his illness, but I think he's doing okay. (He'd have to be dying before he'd go to the doctor anyway.)

It's probably the first time I've gotten sick and been able to see it as a blessing. At least if I have to go to the doctor, I finally have insurance again.

Hope you all have a happy Easter! I've been feeling guilty because I'm starting to loathe all holidays. I enjoy celebrations. I HATE walking into a retail store and being "sold" Easter with all of it's commercial findings. I'm in a state of open rebellion on this one. Yes, the Easter bunny came, and yes, he brought candy, but I down-played it as much as possible. I didn't buy the Paas egg coloring and we colored Easter eggs the old fashioned way with food coloring and vinegar, which turns out just as bright. The Easter bunny didn't bring excessive toys or games. Each child got one thing. In fact, the happiest moment of our Easter preparations was seeing the beautiful dress that Grandma sewed for Mazie. For all you family gals, MJ sewed another pink dress from the wedding pattern because Josie is now big enough to wear Mazie's. They have matching dresses today, and I love it. Nathan told me to make sure I take pictures. I will post them later.

This morning I tried to remind my kids why we really celebrate Easter. I was astonished to find that none of them knew. They have been taught every year, but the things they remember about Easter tend to be the commercial ones. We talked about the Savior and His resurrection. They will receive more reinforcement in a few hours when we go to church. I'm hoping there will come a day in our house when the Easter bunny won't come at all-- when I can buy them each a gift in celebration of the holiday and keep the focus on what it should be. Until then, I'm doing the best I can.

Apologies

I'm sorry, Blog, you'll have to wait.

I'm climbing in the Himalayas with a beautiful immortal, and while he's not the one I love, he is good company. When we reach our destination... when we find a happy ending, I'll get back to you.

Until then, you have my apology.

And the winner is...

And the winner is.... Mama Echo! Thank you all for posting comments. I am still planning to put some of the extra flower clips into the etsy shop, but my models were not cooperating today. Plus, I wanted to take some of the photos outside, and the weather wasn't cooperating either.

C, I will email you because I don't have your snail mail address since you left BT.

Cold and Wet

That's pretty much our entire 10-day forecast-- cold and wet.

I want SPRING!!!!

I want lightweight clothes...

... open-toed shoes...

...sunglasses...

...dangly jewelry...

...walks to the park...

...hiking on the mountain...

I want SUNSHINE!

On a completely different note, Mazie is watching Mermaidia in Spanish. Have you ever heard Mermaidia in Spanish? It's hilarious. She likes it because they all talk in these high-pitched voices. I can hardly understand a single word of it since they talk so fast. One of my friends here served a mission in Chile. She's tried to teach her kids some Spanish as the grow up. Mazie and her little friends were running around yesterday saying, "Hola!" Oh, to be five again. Everything is an adventure.